Subtle Bluntness

So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there’s going to be a big-screen World of Warcraft movie.  There’s no sense fighting it.  It’s not in developmental hell, Sam Raimi is producing it as we speak, and Robert “Saving Private Ryan” Rodat is hard at work on the script.  Just accept it; this thing is going to happen because they’ve already pumped a bunch of money into it.

Fortunately, we’re not so far into production that I can’t offer my suggestions to all involved.  Here are the 10 things I want from the World of Warcraft movie.  Why 10?  Because people love lists of things in nice, round numbers, and there’s nothing rounder than 10, except maybe 8.

There’s just something about a list that makes people virulent.  Take, for example, my list of 10 big films to watch out for in 2010.  On the surface, if you actually READ the entries, you’ll see that these aren’t all guaranteed to be good.  However, they *might* be good and even if they’re not, they will be much talked about.  Tell that to the trolls who lack reading comprehension skills.

For the most part, my list seems to get approval.  Some people don’t like the inclusion of B movies like Machete and The Expendables; that’s fine.  They’re mostly respectful.  Some people are angry that I left off movies that come out in 2011.  That’s fine too; it’s not my fault you can’t read or do simple Google-based reasearch.  Some people think my selection of an 11th movie, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, is stupid.  I guess they didn’t read the part where I talked about how excited I am by the chance to slag off yet another Turdlight film.  That’s fine, I can’t force people to get sarcasm, and DoG hasn’t paid up to buy the Sarcasm Mark yet.

However, one common thread is that people are livid about two movies:  Alice in Wonderland and Robin Hood.

When it comes to Alice, I kind of understand.  People (geeks) are sick of Johnny Depp prancing around in an incredibly gay costume.  I get that.  People are also sick of Tim Burton selling them a bill of goods, then delivering another half-baked shit brownie of a movie.  I get that, too.  But the outright hate is kind of mystifying.  Doesn’t he still have moments of occasional brilliance, even in his lowest moments?  Well, not Planet of the Apes low, but Sweeny Todd wasn’t all bad and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory had its moments!  Hell, I threw the caveat right there in the description!  “Despite being burned by Burton’s last few films, it’s hard not to be taken in by the chance that this sequel to Alice In Wonderland recaptures the laudanum dreamscape of Burton’s classic films.“  Plus, the script is out of his hands and is in the hands of someone who has won a Best Picture (Linda Woolverton), so hopefully it’ll be better than his normal product.

And the other object of hate?  Robin Hood has been done to death; I get that.  People are letting Russell Crowe’s personal life and temper detract from their enjoyment of his acting work; I get that too.  But are people really not familiar with Ridley Scott?  I mean, does the fact that he made Alien make a difference?  OR that Gladiator was actually a really good movie in spite of the hype?  Blade Runner?  Legend?  Am I wrong in saying this could be the best version of Robin Hood’s tired story since the Disney cartoon?  I threw a caveat on this one too, saying its quality would depend largely on Brian Helgeland’s script (he did both LA Confidential and The Postman, so it’s a crapshoot [literally]).

But no, I don’t want to see them remake Clash of the Titans and ruin it with computers when they’re doing better stop motion now than they ever have.  No, I don’t give a crap about Prince of Persia.  And no, I’m not terribly excited by Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, if only because I’m kind of sick of Michael Cera and am totally unfamilar with the source material.  I can’t even get credit for the 8 good movies I did pick versus the toss-ups I included and the exercise in masochism I added.

But hey, fuck me for having some uncharacteristic optimism, right?

So, I got to see The Blind Side last week, and while I took my sweet time getting the review out there (and they took their sweet time to publish it thanks to holiday vacations and the like), I have to say I was really impressed with Sandra Bullock.  In the review I mentioned Erin Brockovich, and Bill Simmons summed up The Blind Side and Bullock’s performance in one phrase:  She out-Juliaed Julia.

Think about it; if this was Julia Roberts in the role of Leigh Ann Tuohy, are you impressed, or do you just think, “Man, Julia Roberts is great at these kind of roles!”  I mean, you expect Julia Roberts to kill this part, because it’s what she does best.  But Sandra Bullock?  Sandra “the only movie I’ve ever carried is Miss Congeniality and that was 10 years ago” Bullock?  It came out of left field for her.  At least I thought so, anyway; feel free to disagree with me.

This is a $200 million grossing movie, and it’s Sandra Bullock’s movie.  No Hugh Grant, Ryan Reynolds, or Keanu Reeves to lean on.  There’s nobody *but* her!  That’s what makes it so amazing.  Never thought she had it in her.

If you want to know my best and worst movies of 2009, head on over to Den of Geek and check me out.  I’m the guy at the bottom who writes way more than everyone else, because I just HAD to rant about how lousy Miss March was.  There are some, ahem, interesting choices from some of the other writers, I have to say.

Well, there’s officially a new worst movie opening ever.  If you thought Gigli was an epic failure, you haven’t seen Transylmania.  The vampire comedy (and totally not a spoof of vampire movies despite having a lookalike for Kate Beckinsale as a vampire hunting chick, as some sock puppet corrected me in the comments) hit new lows.  The movie opened on 1007 screens nationwide and made only $274,000.

That’s historically bad.

If there’s one thing I learned from the response to my review of The Fourth Kind, it’s that people love the phrase “The Fourth Kind is cat poop and onions.”  I thought I had included something about chocolate and peanut butter and two great tastes, but I guess I didn’t.  Or I did and my laptop decided to cut it out.  Either way, I think the description is completely appropriate.

I also reviewed The Box, the new film from Richard “Donnie Darko” Kelly.  It was much better than The Fourth Kind, and is the sort of movie that you need to watch a couple of times to pick up everything in it.  Needless to say, I’m waiting for the DVD release anxiously, because it raises a whole lot of questions.

I’ll link you to my review of Where the Wild Things Are, but I won’t make you read any more of my rambling.  Nope, to sum this particular flick up, I’ll just paste what Deadspin’s Dashiell Bennett said about this particular picture:

How was your weekend? Did you see “Where The Wild Things Are,” the first kids’ movie designed to make you hate childhood? No wonder there are so many nine-year-olds on Prozac these days. Sheesh. Lighten up, Francis.

That pretty much sums it up.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to go cheer myself up with some Elliott Smith and Nembutal.

Paranormal Activity, the hit new horror movie, was made in 2007.  Have you ever wondered just why the movie sat around for two years?  Well I did, so I researched it and wrote about it for Den of Geek.  Go read it, and when you come back, we can talk about the companies that control the flow of movie prints from region to region, theater to theater.

That’s kind of important, as it ties in to the masterful way in which Paramount and DreamWorks went back to the future to distribute their little $15,000 scary movie.

I’ve decided that Michael C. Hall is completely incapable of acting in any role where the character is supposed to be a heterosexual.  Every role I’ve seen him in, from David Fisher to Dexter to Ken Castle in Gamer, comes across as the character being gay, even if the character isn’t supposed to be gay.  Maybe it’s just the way he learned to act, or maybe it’s just me, but I described Castle in my Gamer review as a gay Foghorn Leghorn.

It’s really starting to get distracting.  No matter how much he works out or how many people Dexter slices up, I just see a repressed homosexual.  Maybe he’ll always be David Fisher to me, I don’t know.  Here’s hoping he grows a beard and butches up for his next movie.

Okay, so maybe 7 didn’t eat 9, but I did go see 9, the new animated sci-fi stitchpunk post-apocalyptic action-thriller adjectives-filled feast for the eyes from executive producers Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov.  Oh, also director/writer/animator Shane Acker, but nobody knows who he is so let’s mention the people involved with paying for the movie who’ll possibly get butts in seats.  God forbid they mention the guy did special effects for The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

Anyway, here’s my review, mostly written last night between 1-3 AM.  I really am at my most productive at 2 AM.  It’s just a shame I can’t stay up this late all the time.  Well, I can, I guess, but that makes keeping a day job more difficult than it has any right to be.