Subtle Bluntness

So I saw Cop Out, and I’m in the minority since I actually enjoyed the movie.  For me, it works as a direct homage to those 80’s buddy cop movies, before they got all worn out by overuse.  Most people apparently didn’t dig it, but I liked it and apparently the audience did too, since it was second in the top 10 this weekend.

I also managed to get out and see The Crazies, the 2010 Breck Eisner remake of the 1973 George Romero virus panic horror flick, except this time The Crazies are basically zombies, and the Romero framework is used to support a greatest-hits of postmodern zombie movies.  I also enjoyed it, and it seems more people enjoyed it than did Cop Out, at least in terms of critical indices and whatnot.  Not like I care what critics say, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only person out there in the wilderness, screeching at the top of my lungs that a movie is adequately entertaining.

So, Pierre Morel is really making a play to break out of Luc Besson’s shadow, at least in terms of directorial skill.  I mean, he’s still working in Camp Besson, but he’s at least in charge of the productions, rather than just the cinematographer.  District B13 was awesome, Taken was way awesome, and the verdict for From Paris With Love, at least from me, is fairly awesome.

It’s not novel like B13, or as well done and tense as Taken, but it’s still a really fun action movie and worth checking out if you like European action flicks, John Travolta, or lots of people getting shot in Paris.  As I described the movie in my Den of Geek review, “It’s like The Odd Couple, but one of them kills dozens of people!”

Wouldn’t Camp Besson be the real most magical place on earth?  I mean, you run from explosions down a hallway, you shoot down dozens of people in cold blood, you have ripping action sequences and car chases, and you’re generally the most awesome guy around.  There’s no way I wouldn’t go to Camp Besson every summer for a refresher course in ass-kickery.

I reviewed Legion over at Den of Geek.  Look on these works, ye Paul Bettany fans, and despair.  Also, there’s Charles S. Dutton and Dennis Quaid, so despair a little extra for those two.

Yes, I know I just mixed Shakespeare’s Hamlet with Shelley’s Ozymandias.  I did that in much the same way Legion mixes The Bible, action movies, zombies, and ham-fisted CGI:  deliberately and with malice aforethought.  It’s not that Legion is bad, it’s just that Legion is incredibly dumb.  I have no doubt that it’ll make a great Rifftrax one day.

When I was at the coffee shop the other day, I was talking about movies.  (What, me?  Talk about movies?  Never!)  I forget how I got on this subject, but eventually it all came around to The Book of Eli.  I mentioned that I reviewed it for Den of Geek and mentioned how, five years ago, it’d be a Wesley Snipes movie.  And it’s true.  I mentioned that in my review, as well.  (I also called the movie Mad Blax, as in the blaxploitation Mad Max, even if the movie and character of Eli are colorblind.)

Either way, I think pretty much any B-quality movie (which Eli is just because of its setting) can be improved with the presence of quality actors who are willing to slum it a little.  Hence Denzel as Eli.  Gary Oldman, while a fine actor, is always willing to slum it in a B-style movie (see his long history of working with Luc Besson), so he doesn’t count for this discussion.  His style of villain is always appreciated.

This topic smells like an article idea, so if you have any good suggestions for A-list actors in B-movie roles, please suggest them below.  I could use some help on this one from the collective Internet Braintrust.

So, I got to see The Blind Side last week, and while I took my sweet time getting the review out there (and they took their sweet time to publish it thanks to holiday vacations and the like), I have to say I was really impressed with Sandra Bullock.  In the review I mentioned Erin Brockovich, and Bill Simmons summed up The Blind Side and Bullock’s performance in one phrase:  She out-Juliaed Julia.

Think about it; if this was Julia Roberts in the role of Leigh Ann Tuohy, are you impressed, or do you just think, “Man, Julia Roberts is great at these kind of roles!”  I mean, you expect Julia Roberts to kill this part, because it’s what she does best.  But Sandra Bullock?  Sandra “the only movie I’ve ever carried is Miss Congeniality and that was 10 years ago” Bullock?  It came out of left field for her.  At least I thought so, anyway; feel free to disagree with me.

This is a $200 million grossing movie, and it’s Sandra Bullock’s movie.  No Hugh Grant, Ryan Reynolds, or Keanu Reeves to lean on.  There’s nobody *but* her!  That’s what makes it so amazing.  Never thought she had it in her.

I got to indulge my inner child this weekend by going to see Ninja Assassin, the new martial arts movie starring Korean pop star Rain, Naomie Harris, and Sho Kosugi, the king of the ninja.  I can honestly say I went in expecting something awful, but what I got was a slice of deliciously brainless martial arts action cinema thanks in no small part to the Wachowskis and James McTeigue.  When they decide to stow their politics and attempts at intelligence, they can put together a fun movie.

Here’s my review of the wonderfully bloody ninja throwback.  Number six at the box office, number one in my (stabbed) heart.  Still, there was a problem.

One of the reasons I stopped going to the theater closest to me is because of the clientel.  People just don’t know how to behave in movies anymore.  It really ruins my enjoyment of a movie when I have assholes sitting around me.

For example, during Ninja Assassin, this black couple (who sat right behind me for no apparently reason when there was plenty of other rows open) ate dinner during the movie.  Not just popcorn or a snack or a hamburger or something, I mean four styrofoam cartons of food that they brought in with a garbage-bag sized plastic sack to hold it all.  And they proceeded to just throw down on their chow mein or whatever the hell they had in the styrofoam, rattling and squeaking and generally being so completely and totally obnoxious that I really wanted to go narc on them, which is against every fiber of my being.

I admit I was impressed that they got four whole meals into the theater, but aside from that?  No, dude.  If you’re going to eat, eat the crappy food they provide.  if you’re going to sneak in food, don’t spent 45 minutes scraping it around with your spork.  Be considerate of the people who are sitting right in front of you, in your spit/scrape/spill zone.  If you have to rattle your plastic bags, at least go sit on pervert row where your annoyance capabilities are reduced.

If they were just dumb teens, that’s one thing.  Teens don’t know they’re dumb and obnoxious, that’s what makes them teenagers (and explains why everyone hates Tyler on V).  These were two adults in their 30’s or 40’s.  People who ought to know better than to eat their whole take-out meal in the middle of the freaking movie theater.

Long story short, unless they have tables, don’t eat a whole meal there.  If they do have tables, then grub away.  If you’re going to sneak in a whole garbage bag of food, at least offer to share a burrito or give me a piece of your KFC.  If possible, try not to be a noisy asshole, too.

So, I got to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon on Sunday, after having waited for it a good chunk of Saturday.  As you can see by its $140 million dollar opening weekend, it was very popular.  Frightening popular, given the unsubtle message the movie has for teenage girls of all ages.  Here’s my full review, for those who wish to revel in the carnage.

Unfortunately for me, by doing this review I opened myself up to criticism.  After all, I pumped money into the New Moon machine.  And really, could I conscionably do that if I hated Twilight as much as I claim?  Well, I say yes, but others say no.  Here’s the thing.  Do I enjoy Twilight as a series of movies?  No, of course not.  They’re terrible.  Robert Pattinson can’t act, and he’s the least-bad one of the bunch.

However, I do enjoy the Twilight movies in the same way that I love those terribad Syfy original movies.  They’re great fun for MST3King in the theater, or fun for groaning and rolling your eyes during.  And if the Rifftrax for New Moon is half as good as the Rifftrax for Twilight, then we’re in for some serious fun once that turd plops into the DVD bowl.

Hey, did you know that sometimes I watch movies?  Like, for example, Astro Boy.  Sometimes I even write about movies I’ve already talked about, like that time I talked about how the Saw franchise is on its way out the door and how the torture porn genre is soooo 2006.

But mostly it’s videos, because writing takes up too much energy and by the time I do my billion daily posts for PopFi and a post for Shaktronics and whatever else I have to do for Den of Geek, I’m too tired to blog over here.  So you get half-assed paragraph-sized posts like this one.

With random spaces to make it seem like there’s more content.

Did you see Saw?  I saw Saw.  I also saw Saws II and III.  Then I realized that the series would never be more than mediocre and dropped out for Saws IV and V.

Then, the other night, I saw Saw VI and realized the series had been taken over by the two guys that won Project Greenlight III and wrote Feast, so the writing has gotten much more plausible.  The movie still kind of sucks, but at least it sucks and makes sense.  That’s a lot better than, say, sucking and being completely nonsensical.

I have more to say about the Saw series, and where I think the torture porn genre is going, but you’ll have to wait until tomorrow for that.

So, Zombieland.  I got to see it this weekend and, in a word:  awesome.  In two words?  Fucking awesome.  It was this weekend’s big hit and nobody I know who saw it has a bad word to say about it.  Check their blogs and see if you don’t believe me. (And if you don’t buy into what I have to say by now, then why are you reading this?  You can disagree, but they haven’t bought my soul or my reviewing pen.  Yet.  Call me, Hollywood!  We’ll talk!)

Kind of disappointed I didn’t get a chocolate ear, but that’s what I get for going to the last showing on Sunday rather than the midnight screening.  In spite of everything, the theater was PACKED at 10 PM on Sunday, and I’m planning on going back again next weekend with my dad.  Good times, people.  Really good times.