Subtle Bluntness

There’s just something about a list that makes people virulent.  Take, for example, my list of 10 big films to watch out for in 2010.  On the surface, if you actually READ the entries, you’ll see that these aren’t all guaranteed to be good.  However, they *might* be good and even if they’re not, they will be much talked about.  Tell that to the trolls who lack reading comprehension skills.

For the most part, my list seems to get approval.  Some people don’t like the inclusion of B movies like Machete and The Expendables; that’s fine.  They’re mostly respectful.  Some people are angry that I left off movies that come out in 2011.  That’s fine too; it’s not my fault you can’t read or do simple Google-based reasearch.  Some people think my selection of an 11th movie, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, is stupid.  I guess they didn’t read the part where I talked about how excited I am by the chance to slag off yet another Turdlight film.  That’s fine, I can’t force people to get sarcasm, and DoG hasn’t paid up to buy the Sarcasm Mark yet.

However, one common thread is that people are livid about two movies:  Alice in Wonderland and Robin Hood.

When it comes to Alice, I kind of understand.  People (geeks) are sick of Johnny Depp prancing around in an incredibly gay costume.  I get that.  People are also sick of Tim Burton selling them a bill of goods, then delivering another half-baked shit brownie of a movie.  I get that, too.  But the outright hate is kind of mystifying.  Doesn’t he still have moments of occasional brilliance, even in his lowest moments?  Well, not Planet of the Apes low, but Sweeny Todd wasn’t all bad and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory had its moments!  Hell, I threw the caveat right there in the description!  “Despite being burned by Burton’s last few films, it’s hard not to be taken in by the chance that this sequel to Alice In Wonderland recaptures the laudanum dreamscape of Burton’s classic films.“  Plus, the script is out of his hands and is in the hands of someone who has won a Best Picture (Linda Woolverton), so hopefully it’ll be better than his normal product.

And the other object of hate?  Robin Hood has been done to death; I get that.  People are letting Russell Crowe’s personal life and temper detract from their enjoyment of his acting work; I get that too.  But are people really not familiar with Ridley Scott?  I mean, does the fact that he made Alien make a difference?  OR that Gladiator was actually a really good movie in spite of the hype?  Blade Runner?  Legend?  Am I wrong in saying this could be the best version of Robin Hood’s tired story since the Disney cartoon?  I threw a caveat on this one too, saying its quality would depend largely on Brian Helgeland’s script (he did both LA Confidential and The Postman, so it’s a crapshoot [literally]).

But no, I don’t want to see them remake Clash of the Titans and ruin it with computers when they’re doing better stop motion now than they ever have.  No, I don’t give a crap about Prince of Persia.  And no, I’m not terribly excited by Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, if only because I’m kind of sick of Michael Cera and am totally unfamilar with the source material.  I can’t even get credit for the 8 good movies I did pick versus the toss-ups I included and the exercise in masochism I added.

But hey, fuck me for having some uncharacteristic optimism, right?

If you want to know my best and worst movies of 2009, head on over to Den of Geek and check me out.  I’m the guy at the bottom who writes way more than everyone else, because I just HAD to rant about how lousy Miss March was.  There are some, ahem, interesting choices from some of the other writers, I have to say.

So the swine flu is coming to kill you and rape your pets.  Now you can either go read what the government and science has to say about our latest super disease and either be scared out of your wits or you can go read a list of things I’ve learned about virus outbreaks from the movies and be adequately prepared for how the end of the world will really go down.  It’s up to you.

You have two choices.  Well, three, but only two choices that matter.  You can go down the left hand path and trust in a government that has lied to us since George Washington had his wooden teeth whitewashed to look like real people teeth.  You can go down the right hand path and trust in Hollywood, which always tells the truth (provided the truth has gun fights, a shower scene, and at least one slow motion ‘running down a hallway away from a giant fireball’ scene).  You can go down both paths and figure out which one you like best.

Or you can go down neither path and continue to live in your blissfully ignorant world of blissful ignorance.  The truth is a scary place.  Rated R, no one under 17 permitted without parent or guardian.

Video: TV Squad