Subtle Bluntness

After having sat on the review for an entire week, today is the release date for my Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls review.  It’s about time March 3 got here, because I’ve been going nuts talking the book up in private but without any recourse to spew my review upon the reading public.  Now it’s out there, and I feel much better.

I got the book pretty quickly after I was approved for the blog program, which was impressive in and of itself.  More impressive was the fact that I basically picked up the book one day, randomly, and had my review finished by that same time the next day.  I tore through the book like a zombie at a meat processing plant.  It really is a great, funny read if you know anything about Victorian England.

Perhaps more importantly, you can win a free copy of the book and a bunch of other stuff.  Just head over to Quirk’s forum, sign up and register (I know it’s a bitch, but there’s like $100 worth of freebies up for grabs for 50 people) and let them know where you saw it. Either here, PopFi, or DoG works, since Quirk knows they’re all me.  Make me look good, readership.  If you somehow don’t manage to win, you can just buy the book for $8.73 at Amazon (or 80 cents if you use a Kindle).  It’s definitely worth the purchase.

So I saw Cop Out, and I’m in the minority since I actually enjoyed the movie.  For me, it works as a direct homage to those 80’s buddy cop movies, before they got all worn out by overuse.  Most people apparently didn’t dig it, but I liked it and apparently the audience did too, since it was second in the top 10 this weekend.

I also managed to get out and see The Crazies, the 2010 Breck Eisner remake of the 1973 George Romero virus panic horror flick, except this time The Crazies are basically zombies, and the Romero framework is used to support a greatest-hits of postmodern zombie movies.  I also enjoyed it, and it seems more people enjoyed it than did Cop Out, at least in terms of critical indices and whatnot.  Not like I care what critics say, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only person out there in the wilderness, screeching at the top of my lungs that a movie is adequately entertaining.

So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there’s going to be a big-screen World of Warcraft movie.  There’s no sense fighting it.  It’s not in developmental hell, Sam Raimi is producing it as we speak, and Robert “Saving Private Ryan” Rodat is hard at work on the script.  Just accept it; this thing is going to happen because they’ve already pumped a bunch of money into it.

Fortunately, we’re not so far into production that I can’t offer my suggestions to all involved.  Here are the 10 things I want from the World of Warcraft movie.  Why 10?  Because people love lists of things in nice, round numbers, and there’s nothing rounder than 10, except maybe 8.

So, Pierre Morel is really making a play to break out of Luc Besson’s shadow, at least in terms of directorial skill.  I mean, he’s still working in Camp Besson, but he’s at least in charge of the productions, rather than just the cinematographer.  District B13 was awesome, Taken was way awesome, and the verdict for From Paris With Love, at least from me, is fairly awesome.

It’s not novel like B13, or as well done and tense as Taken, but it’s still a really fun action movie and worth checking out if you like European action flicks, John Travolta, or lots of people getting shot in Paris.  As I described the movie in my Den of Geek review, “It’s like The Odd Couple, but one of them kills dozens of people!”

Wouldn’t Camp Besson be the real most magical place on earth?  I mean, you run from explosions down a hallway, you shoot down dozens of people in cold blood, you have ripping action sequences and car chases, and you’re generally the most awesome guy around.  There’s no way I wouldn’t go to Camp Besson every summer for a refresher course in ass-kickery.

I reviewed Legion over at Den of Geek.  Look on these works, ye Paul Bettany fans, and despair.  Also, there’s Charles S. Dutton and Dennis Quaid, so despair a little extra for those two.

Yes, I know I just mixed Shakespeare’s Hamlet with Shelley’s Ozymandias.  I did that in much the same way Legion mixes The Bible, action movies, zombies, and ham-fisted CGI:  deliberately and with malice aforethought.  It’s not that Legion is bad, it’s just that Legion is incredibly dumb.  I have no doubt that it’ll make a great Rifftrax one day.

When I was at the coffee shop the other day, I was talking about movies.  (What, me?  Talk about movies?  Never!)  I forget how I got on this subject, but eventually it all came around to The Book of Eli.  I mentioned that I reviewed it for Den of Geek and mentioned how, five years ago, it’d be a Wesley Snipes movie.  And it’s true.  I mentioned that in my review, as well.  (I also called the movie Mad Blax, as in the blaxploitation Mad Max, even if the movie and character of Eli are colorblind.)

Either way, I think pretty much any B-quality movie (which Eli is just because of its setting) can be improved with the presence of quality actors who are willing to slum it a little.  Hence Denzel as Eli.  Gary Oldman, while a fine actor, is always willing to slum it in a B-style movie (see his long history of working with Luc Besson), so he doesn’t count for this discussion.  His style of villain is always appreciated.

This topic smells like an article idea, so if you have any good suggestions for A-list actors in B-movie roles, please suggest them below.  I could use some help on this one from the collective Internet Braintrust.

There’s just something about a list that makes people virulent.  Take, for example, my list of 10 big films to watch out for in 2010.  On the surface, if you actually READ the entries, you’ll see that these aren’t all guaranteed to be good.  However, they *might* be good and even if they’re not, they will be much talked about.  Tell that to the trolls who lack reading comprehension skills.

For the most part, my list seems to get approval.  Some people don’t like the inclusion of B movies like Machete and The Expendables; that’s fine.  They’re mostly respectful.  Some people are angry that I left off movies that come out in 2011.  That’s fine too; it’s not my fault you can’t read or do simple Google-based reasearch.  Some people think my selection of an 11th movie, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, is stupid.  I guess they didn’t read the part where I talked about how excited I am by the chance to slag off yet another Turdlight film.  That’s fine, I can’t force people to get sarcasm, and DoG hasn’t paid up to buy the Sarcasm Mark yet.

However, one common thread is that people are livid about two movies:  Alice in Wonderland and Robin Hood.

When it comes to Alice, I kind of understand.  People (geeks) are sick of Johnny Depp prancing around in an incredibly gay costume.  I get that.  People are also sick of Tim Burton selling them a bill of goods, then delivering another half-baked shit brownie of a movie.  I get that, too.  But the outright hate is kind of mystifying.  Doesn’t he still have moments of occasional brilliance, even in his lowest moments?  Well, not Planet of the Apes low, but Sweeny Todd wasn’t all bad and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory had its moments!  Hell, I threw the caveat right there in the description!  “Despite being burned by Burton’s last few films, it’s hard not to be taken in by the chance that this sequel to Alice In Wonderland recaptures the laudanum dreamscape of Burton’s classic films.“  Plus, the script is out of his hands and is in the hands of someone who has won a Best Picture (Linda Woolverton), so hopefully it’ll be better than his normal product.

And the other object of hate?  Robin Hood has been done to death; I get that.  People are letting Russell Crowe’s personal life and temper detract from their enjoyment of his acting work; I get that too.  But are people really not familiar with Ridley Scott?  I mean, does the fact that he made Alien make a difference?  OR that Gladiator was actually a really good movie in spite of the hype?  Blade Runner?  Legend?  Am I wrong in saying this could be the best version of Robin Hood’s tired story since the Disney cartoon?  I threw a caveat on this one too, saying its quality would depend largely on Brian Helgeland’s script (he did both LA Confidential and The Postman, so it’s a crapshoot [literally]).

But no, I don’t want to see them remake Clash of the Titans and ruin it with computers when they’re doing better stop motion now than they ever have.  No, I don’t give a crap about Prince of Persia.  And no, I’m not terribly excited by Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, if only because I’m kind of sick of Michael Cera and am totally unfamilar with the source material.  I can’t even get credit for the 8 good movies I did pick versus the toss-ups I included and the exercise in masochism I added.

But hey, fuck me for having some uncharacteristic optimism, right?

So, I got to see The Blind Side last week, and while I took my sweet time getting the review out there (and they took their sweet time to publish it thanks to holiday vacations and the like), I have to say I was really impressed with Sandra Bullock.  In the review I mentioned Erin Brockovich, and Bill Simmons summed up The Blind Side and Bullock’s performance in one phrase:  She out-Juliaed Julia.

Think about it; if this was Julia Roberts in the role of Leigh Ann Tuohy, are you impressed, or do you just think, “Man, Julia Roberts is great at these kind of roles!”  I mean, you expect Julia Roberts to kill this part, because it’s what she does best.  But Sandra Bullock?  Sandra “the only movie I’ve ever carried is Miss Congeniality and that was 10 years ago” Bullock?  It came out of left field for her.  At least I thought so, anyway; feel free to disagree with me.

This is a $200 million grossing movie, and it’s Sandra Bullock’s movie.  No Hugh Grant, Ryan Reynolds, or Keanu Reeves to lean on.  There’s nobody *but* her!  That’s what makes it so amazing.  Never thought she had it in her.

If you want to know my best and worst movies of 2009, head on over to Den of Geek and check me out.  I’m the guy at the bottom who writes way more than everyone else, because I just HAD to rant about how lousy Miss March was.  There are some, ahem, interesting choices from some of the other writers, I have to say.

Well, there’s officially a new worst movie opening ever.  If you thought Gigli was an epic failure, you haven’t seen Transylmania.  The vampire comedy (and totally not a spoof of vampire movies despite having a lookalike for Kate Beckinsale as a vampire hunting chick, as some sock puppet corrected me in the comments) hit new lows.  The movie opened on 1007 screens nationwide and made only $274,000.

That’s historically bad.