Either way, I have a new candidate to become my millionaire girlfriend or the latest in my long line of celebrity ex-wives.

Click here to view the embedded video.

So, long story short, if you liked those two movies, or you like Craig Robinson in any of his 20 or so memorable roles this year from Miss March to Pineapple Express and Zack and Miri Make A Porno, then you’ll like this movie.  Also, John Cusack fans will probably enjoy it, too.  Apparently there are a lot of those.

Author’s note:  Crispin Glover has now been in two movies where he’s played the same character 20 years apart.  First George McFly in Back to the Future and now again as Phil the bellhop, 1986 and 2010 versions.  He now joins Tim “Ted the Bellhop” Roth and Jerry Lewis in the pantheon of great movie bellhops.  Just some trivia for you.

I got the book pretty quickly after I was approved for the blog program, which was impressive in and of itself.  More impressive was the fact that I basically picked up the book one day, randomly, and had my review finished by that same time the next day.  I tore through the book like a zombie at a meat processing plant.  It really is a great, funny read if you know anything about Victorian England.

Perhaps more importantly, you can win a free copy of the book and a bunch of other stuff.  Just head over to Quirk’s forum, sign up and register (I know it’s a bitch, but there’s like $100 worth of freebies up for grabs for 50 people) and let them know where you saw it. Either here, PopFi, or DoG works, since Quirk knows they’re all me.  Make me look good, readership.  If you somehow don’t manage to win, you can just buy the book for $8.73 at Amazon (or 80 cents if you use a Kindle).  It’s definitely worth the purchase.

I also managed to get out and see The Crazies, the 2010 Breck Eisner remake of the 1973 George Romero virus panic horror flick, except this time The Crazies are basically zombies, and the Romero framework is used to support a greatest-hits of postmodern zombie movies.  I also enjoyed it, and it seems more people enjoyed it than did Cop Out, at least in terms of critical indices and whatnot.  Not like I care what critics say, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only person out there in the wilderness, screeching at the top of my lungs that a movie is adequately entertaining.

It’s not novel like B13, or as well done and tense as Taken, but it’s still a really fun action movie and worth checking out if you like European action flicks, John Travolta, or lots of people getting shot in Paris.  As I described the movie in my Den of Geek review, “It’s like The Odd Couple, but one of them kills dozens of people!”

Wouldn’t Camp Besson be the real most magical place on earth?  I mean, you run from explosions down a hallway, you shoot down dozens of people in cold blood, you have ripping action sequences and car chases, and you’re generally the most awesome guy around.  There’s no way I wouldn’t go to Camp Besson every summer for a refresher course in ass-kickery.

Click here to view the embedded video.

So, Zombieland.  I got to see it this weekend and, in a word:  awesome.  In two words?  Fucking awesome.  It was this weekend’s big hit and nobody I know who saw it has a bad word to say about it.  Check their blogs and see if you don’t believe me. (And if you don’t buy into what I have to say by now, then why are you reading this?  You can disagree, but they haven’t bought my soul or my reviewing pen.  Yet.  Call me, Hollywood!  We’ll talk!)

Kind of disappointed I didn’t get a chocolate ear, but that’s what I get for going to the last showing on Sunday rather than the midnight screening.  In spite of everything, the theater was PACKED at 10 PM on Sunday, and I’m planning on going back again next weekend with my dad.  Good times, people.  Really good times.

(Realizing, of course, that I can paint whatever picture of myself I want on here, but that’s beside the point, wink wink.)

That kind of rolled around in my brain at the time like a lost marble, but it wasn’t until Surrogates that it kind of sunk in for me.  Not to spoil anything, but most of the Surries look like their real-life counterparts (Bruce WIllis is Bruce Willis, but with awful hair; Rosamund Pike looks like herself but with big hair and better skin; Ving Rhames looks like himself but with a glorious beard and Bob Marley dreads, etc.) Now I know that it’s probably a question of cheapness on the part of the filmmakers.  Plus why would you cast name actors and not have them look like themselves; but aside from two or three background figures, all the rest of the Surrogates looked like real people too.  Just slightly cleaned up, smoothed out real people without blemishes or scars or body fat.

It’s the best version of whoever that actor is.

Really, that’s what we all do.  Sure we don’t have robot wigs, but I think that deep down everyone does their best to put their best foot forward because most of us believe that deep down, there’s something good about ourselves.  Sure we might want to shave off a few pounds or not have to worry about shaving every 6 hours to keep a smooth face  or would like to thicken up the ol’ head of hair and other things that aren’t talking about my personal issues exclusively, but for the most part, we think we’re all right.  Or that we have the potential, at our core, to be something attractive to others. We might not feel that way, and we definitely exaggerate our own flaws more so than others would, but we all want to think we’re redeemable.  And, for the most part, we are.  Or we could be.  That’s why people play Second Life.

That’s kind of what blogging is, in a way.  We’re putting out some version of ourselves, be it overly positive, overly critical, or just exaggerated in some way, for the consumption of others.  Our words (well, my words) are my Surrogate to you, the uninterested reader who has long since branded this a teal deer and moved on to something with a punchline.

This is how I present myself to the world, at least in this location.  I take on other tones at other places, share different pieces of myself in different areas, but it’s not the full picture.  To put everything out there is to take on too much risk.  Somebody might see something or read something and be offended or confused or whatever.  That’s what Surrogates are good for in the movie, and that’s what Surrogates are good for in the blogodecahedron.  That’s why all those social media things have privacy functions.  We need to keep some folks out and let other folks in.

We’re all one step away from a dentist chair, a robot in a wig that looks like Perfect Us, and no reason to change out of our pajamas.

I mean, I’m sure Jeremy Piven is just like this in real life, aren’t you?  It’s kind of like Seth Rogen in that what you see in the movies has to be dangerously close to what he is in real life.  That’s why Piven’s Ari Gold is so good on Entourage (and probably why Kevin Dillon is having a career run there, given that he’s the less successful brother in a pair of acting siblings).  He’s good because he doesn’t really have to act!  He is a fast-talking sleazy Jewish dude who drips sarcasm!  Johnny Drama is the brother to a more famous/successful actor sibling!

Why is this a bad thing?  Why can’t we just have a guy who does a couple of things well, and let him work that for the rest of his acting life?  Let whoever do their thing; cast them when you need a Piven type or a Rogen type, and don’t try something crazy like remaking Psycho with the oily guy from Swingers.  Enjoy the act!  You rarely get a guy like Charles Napier (who was born to play a hardassed authority figure) in life, so hang onto him and embrace him!

I have to admit I fall into this trap too, but mostly when you see a guy overstay his welcome (ahem, Will Ferrell).  In small doses, character actors are awesome.  You just have to learn when to not overstep when you only have one go-to character (AHEM, Will Ferrell).  You can do your thing for many years, just don’t burn through your good will with some ill-advised starring roles.

Funny People–The Director’s Cut

This is kind of a dangerous film in some ways. At least it was for me. I’m in a bit of a transitionary period in my life. My birthday is this week, as is my ten-year high school reunion (he says, knowing no one gives a damn). I’m in that area where I need to start growing up and settling down, because I’m not getting any younger and my hair isn’t getting any thicker or less gray. I’m basically at the point where chasing my dreams starts butting heads with the fact I’m too goddamn old to fuck off to LA to write screenplays and wait tables. Or do whatever in the hell it is I dream of doing. I don’t even know anymore.

That’s where the movie hits hardest for me. Every step forward leaves something behind. Every path not taken could lead to an entirely different world. Sometimes we can go back and change things; sometimes all we can do from our past mistakes is learn. Growth is seldom easy, life is not neatly contained. There’s always going to be a girl (or guy) that got away. No matter who you are, there’s always some tragic love affair gone wrong, a chance not taken, a lover spurned that you never quite get over.

That’s life. It’s not comedy or drama. It’s not friends or acquaintances or lovers. Life is just a journey: full of twists and turns and missed chances and fuck-ups and broken hearts. Maybe you can’t win back your one true love, but you can learn from your mistakes and make new ones the next time.

Author’s note:  No, I’m not narcissistic enough to do this every time I cut shit out of a review, only when I cut out shit I actually like.  Trust me, that’s very rare.  I’d have continued onward with the thoughts, but the train has long since derailed now.

It’s hard to believe Jack Black has gone from High Fidelity and Tenacious D to doing dreck like this.  It’s even harder to believe that Harold Ramis was associated with the project (though he’s been terrible for most of his career too, even if it hurts me to speak ill of the man who gave us Caddyshack).

To call me disappointed is to remind the world that I avoided most of the trailers for the film.  That was my mistake.  Next time I won’t be so stupid.