Dec 15 2008
Keanu Reeves
You know, for most of the big stars, I can see their appeal. Even if I don’t personally like her, I can see why people (women especially) would like the nonthreatening girl next door Julia Roberts, even if equinophobics cringe every time she opens her muzzle to devour a bag of oats. I can see why someone would like basically every big star out there, except for one guy: Keanu Reeves.
Has anyone done more with less acting talent than Keanu? Further more, has anyone ever stretched ONE good role farther than Keanu has? Ted Theodore Logan was a long time ago, buddy. Hell, so was Cop from Speed. What has he done since then? Whatever you do, don’t bring up The Matrix.
Aside from the fact that the first movie was only slightly better than average and the second two sucked, the role of Matrix Jesus would have been so much better had, I don’t know… anyone else been playing that character. When I saw Keanu playing Neo, I didn’t think to myself, “Now there’s a guy who can hack computers!” Every time I looked at Mr. Anderson, all I could think was, “Now there’s a guy who once got so stoned he pan fried an entire box of Eggo waffles.”
You’d think that monosyllabic alien would be right in Keanu’s wheelhouse, kind of like how he absolutely nailed the sleepy, dumb stoner role. Unfortunately, if you’ll care to take a look at my review of The Day The Earth Stood Still, he found a way to bungle even that simple role. Keanu Reeves playing Klaatu is like Ben Affleck starring in Michael Bay’s remake of Citizen Kane.
Plus, he grows the worst patchy beard I’ve ever seen between movie roles. If you can’t grow enough beard to cover at least half your face, DON’T GROW A BEARD. I grew that beard in 10th grade! You’re 44! Give it up!
The only movies I’ve seen that I thought Keanu did fairly well in besides Bill and Ted and Speed were Parenthood and Much Ado About Nothing. Never saw any of the Matrix flicks, and from what I’ve heard about them, it’s probably a good thing. I thought playing an alien might suit his acting style, but apparently I was wrong, although perhaps that might have more to do with the script he was given than with any lack of talent on his part?
Get over it. You’re just jealous.
Lucy: Yes, I’m very jealous of that no-talent assclown. Oh wait, I’m not. I can grow a beard, I can act, and I can sing unlike your boy Keanu.
Jade: I forgot about Parenthood, but that’s not really his movie. And he’s kind of just playing Ted again, isn’t he? Kind of a dumb dude?
Not as dumb as Ted, more like a wee bit clueless but good-hearted and willing to learn. The Parenthood character (whose name I’m forgetting) definitely had maturity potential, whereas you knew Ted was pretty much going to stay Ted into old age.
Keanu is a bore every time out.
To make things worse, Keanu wants SO MUCH to play Spike in a live-action Cowboy Bebop movie! It makes me want to cry.
I actually kinda like Keanu sort of the way I like puppies, or something. He’s kinda nice eye candy, most times… don’t kill me.
It’s true he mostly plays the same character in almost every film, but his best turn in my opinion and one in which that same character every time thing served him well, I thought, was River’s Edge. He actually is pretty great in it – and not so dumb – though from what I have heard he was mostly playing himself, so one would surmise that the real Keanu (at least at that age) was a more serious and intelligent Ted Logan, I suppose.
That movie is awesome though – even though Crispin Glover, who I usually love, is borderline teeth-grindingly annoying in it.
One film I had better expectations of that his oneness fell totally flat in, unfortunately, was Gus Van Sant’s My Own Private Idaho. I wanted so badly to be able to accept him in that role since I generally like him (sameness or no), but not even halfway through the movie I was wishing they had cast someone else in the role. He stuck out like a sore thumb in that one, everyone else in it was brilliant (even Flea of the RHCP!) but he just didn’t fit.
River’s Edge, huh? I’ll have to check it out.
I don’t hold liking Keanu against anyone, really. I don’t hate him like I do Uwe Boll, I just wish he’d stay far away from projects outside his talent range and the entire sci-fi genre. He should take over for Richard Gere as The Romantic Comedy Guy or something.
OMG, you’ve never seen River’s Edge? Yes, yes, you must… definitely one of the defining movies of disaffected ’80s youth. Just be prepared for the Crispin Glover over-whatever; it is slightly distracting and disturbing. Dennis Hopper does a nice turn in this one.
PS The film was also based on a true story, which is seriously disturbing, but I remember when it happened.