Dec 07 2008
The pain of Twilight
Last night I saw the movie Twilight. I worked on my review when I got home, thought I had it finished, then I reread it this morning. Then I went back to work on it.
I rarely, if ever, do that. Once I get done with something, I send it off, otherwise I’m the type who can tinker with something for weeks and never be completely satisfied with it. This, however, was a special case.
The review will be up at DoG on Monday. I suggest that Twilight fans avoid reading it. Better yet, do read it and tell me how much you hate me in the comments. Rest assured, you WILL hate me, because my review of Twilight is quite possibly the most cruel, caustic, well-deserved lambasting I’ve ever written. It’s also probably the funniest thing I’ve written in years, and when I say something is funny, you KNOW it’s got to be funny if Mr. Hates Everything He Writes is willing to admit to cracking himself up with his absolute brutality.
It’s rare I get any feedback from the editors over at Geek in private. Of the three that have been there while I have, Sarah was and Simon is the most talkative, while Martin’s never said a ton one way or another outside of the comment section. I’m fine with that, because generally praise goes in one ear and out the other with me. However, when Martin emailed me back about the review and said, “The Twilight piece is a gem, there’s a quote almost every other line. We’ll have to make sure you attend more bad movies,” I have to own up to being both secretly pleased and on the verge of tears.
I’m incredibly pleased that other people think it’s as funny as I do, but I’m on the verge of tears because that means in 2010 I’ll be forced into seeing New Moon. If I had to choose between lighting myself on fire and watching Twilight again, I’d ask what parts of me had to be engulfed in flames. Thanks to this movie, I officially divorce the entire vampire subgenre of movies.
You’re dead to me, bloodsuckers. (Well, except for you, Embrace of the Vampire. You’re still cool.)
You went to Twilight and you manage to survive it without gouging your eyes out with your bare hands and ramming sharp objects into your ears? You’re a stronger soul than I would have been. :D
And I work with a crew that loved the movie. So how far should I just bend over and take the foot up my ass…
Jade: Well, I left my pen in the car to avoid the ear-ramming and eye-gouging.
Rich: Just say something like, “I like that the film sucked,” and you should be okay.
I usually don