Nov 17 2008
Bread And Milk, With A Side Of Jibbering Panic
When I left my place of employment today, what did I see fluttering and flying about in the air? Snow, of course. It looked like an explosion in a candy factory, and little white clumps of confectioner’s sugar and gel ignite were raining down everywhere.
Somehow, I managed to resist the urge to careen through traffic at 90 miles an hour, fight my way into the local grocery store, kick and punch my way through a mob of old women and babies using my mad kung-fu skills to get the last of the bread and milk, fight my way to the registers using my newly acquired gallon of milk as a face-smashing weapon, and then death race my way home. It took a lot of special effort on my part not to do this, but unlike most everyone else, I don’t consider a dusting of snow a reason to buy bread and milk. Frankly, I don’t go through that much/any milk and bread in the course of a week that I’d need to stock up on it in case we get an inch of snow overnight.
Listen, gang. It’s just snow. It’s going to come down, either stick to the ground or not, then melt and go away. The only time you need to rush out and stock up on milk and bread is if you want to also get yourself some eggs and make a mess of French toast. Otherwise, you’re just freaking out over nothing.
The city has snow plows, the city can use those snow plows to make the roads passable, and the bread and milk you have on hand will last you long enough to make it through the winter emergency that is a hard frost. God only knows how much of this impulse purchase bread and milk gets thrown out, and while it is your money to waste, I don’t want to have to get stuck in traffic again this year while you morons freak out over a 30 percent chance of snow. If you’re that scared you’re going to get so snowed in your SUV won’t get you half a block to the gas station (where there’s perfectly good bread and milk), buy some powdered milk and bottled water.
Now get the hell out of my way, Grandma. I’ve got to stock up on beer in case I get snowed in, and I’m not afraid to climb over your broken carcass to get it.
