Aug 11 2006
Fatal Conflict (2000) Film Review 2/5
Welcome to a sick and twisted future, where gold is worthless (because of the mountain of it they found in Antarctica) and the world economies have been destroyed, shattering nations into hundreds of nation states and putting evil people like the Governor of California at odds with even more ruthless and evil people like the freaky-weird Nash (Leo Rossi), who looks like Leo LaPorte from the old-school ScreenSavers on TechTV and who sounds like Joe Mantenga. You see, emeralds have replaced the dollar and the gay-ass Euro as the currency of choice, because apparently there’s no mountain of emeralds in Antarctica.
You see, Nash and his hot-ass sister Carla (Jennifer Rubin), who have a weird thing for one another that makes them a little too close to be brother and sister, are using scantily-clad slave labor to process their raw stones. At least they were, until the government busts in and fucks that shit up hardcore, machine-gun style. Needless to say, Nash gets sent to space prison, Carla helps bust him out, and they take over Dan Harper’s (not just feet of Keeffe, Miles O’Keeffe) broken-down old space freighter, probably because Dan was sleeping off a ferocious bender. Like all pilots of broken-down old space freighters, Dan has a sad and tragic story no one cares about.
No one, except Kari Wuhrer.
I knew you were waiting for it. You were sitting there, reading along, and wondering “Ron, why in the fuck are you watching this movie? Fat Joe Mantegna and Miles O’Keeffe aside, and barring the insane premise, why would you set through a movie that doesn’t offer any nudity?” Well, there’s your answer.
Now, unfortunately, this is a rare flick Kari doesn’t get naked in, but I forgive her. There’s lots of background flesh in tight white tank tops, short beige skirts, and white cotton panties crawling around on their hands and knees in the prison and jewel-polishing scenes, and then there’s Kari herself. You see, in the future, no one wears a bra, least of all hotshot good-girl pilots turned Jane Bond-type secret agents like Sasha Burns (Kari ‘Mmm-mmm good’ Wuhrer). Did I mention how hot Kari Wuhrer is? ’cause she looks great here.
Anyway, this movie is insanely entertaining, not just for all the reasons I’ve talked about so far. You’ve got some of the smartest characters in movie history in this flick. You’ve got a freighter full of explosives that just so happens to also have methanol pipes running all the way through it, because it just wasn’t explosive enough before. You’ve got MENSA members firing machine guns into boxes full of explosives, because firing weapons is the best way in the world to not make giant boxes of stuff that blows up blow up.
This flick is chock full of “What the Fuck?” moments like these, and many more. Still, for a post-apocalyptic, space-pilot, prison lesbian, save the city of Los Angeles from a spectacular flaming death, make out with, then shoot, then rehabilitate the alcoholic man of your dreams spectacular. Call it whatever you want, but it’s damn entertaining.
Just remember not to swim in the damn glycerin. It’s not like it isn’t in everything we eat and it’s not like it’s a completely harmless substance. After all, if you’re using it to cool your spaceship engine, apparently it’s fatal after a minute’s exposure, so don’t pull a Sasha and swim around in that shit for half an hour, even if it’s chilly enough to get your nipples poking through your tank top and makes you sexily disheveled.
Leave that to the professionals.
